coward

#367

10/19/23

9:38a

I’m finally back home. After 13 months of living in Hong Kong, some generous individual paid for my ticket back home. A 16 hour flight later, I’m sitting in my dusty, moldy, garbage filled home, eating chick fil a, salads I’ve missed so much, and all nuts my mom buys way too much of.

And then there’s my dad. He works from 10a – 9p, and I’m jetlagged, so I don’t get to see him. But I briefly saw him, on the way to bed, and I didn’t say anything because I was tired.

But this morning, nobody else was home, just me and him. I sat upstairs, typing away, and he was in the kitchen, doing something. I couldn’t bring myself to go to say hi. That’s it. He was on the way out anyways. I could’ve just said a quick hi and ran back upstairs.

But instead I sat in my chair, racking my brain thinking why was I such a straight up pussy? Excuse my language and derogatory term, but clearly I’m not kind to myself in my head. It’s my dad. Why can’t I just go downstairs?

What was hitchiking over 30+ times? In Asia, the middle east, and Europe? What was knocking on strangers’ doors and sleeping in their house? What about shaving my luscious locks because I wanted to exercise not caring about what people think of me? Or wearing one shirt every. single. day. Where is my courage? What have I been doing in Hong Kong? Dicking around? Have I not trained for this? I’m a 24 year old who’s scared of talking to his dad. Put that on my resume. Wow.

I will talk to my dad before I leave this country again.

Kiubon

Girl

#358

4.11.23

9:48p

For the first time in my life, I have multiple romantic interests. I don’t know how I feel about them. They’re cool. They’re pretty. Not sure if the vibes are there. Yeah maybe we could make it work. We could build a life together after getting to know each other. It would work practically.

But then I got a letter in the mail from somebody else. This is so impractical. This would never work. They’re so far away. They’re still in school! We don’t share the same faith. But I would drop everything to pursue this person. Fricking butterflies.

Shouldn’t the person you spend your life with be like that? Somebody who you wanna drop everything for. Why do we settle? Do we just get so lonely, we reach for the closest thing with skin? Do yourself a favor and your future kids a favor, don’t settle. Catch those butterflies.

Kiubon

Boy

#358

4.10.23

7:13p

There’s a boy wearing a Naruto headband waltzing around the subway. This will be the last year he does such a thing. He’s waiting for people to pass around him, so he has room to take a running start to see if he can touch the sign hanging from the ceiling. He swings his arms. He gets it. He doesn’t care what anybody is thinking. If I offered a Naruto headband to my friend just to wear for 5 minutes, they would deny it. 5 minutes! Who is going to remember you wearing a Naruto headband?? They care that much about worthless opinions. The boy on the cusp of growing up reminds me of the joys of childhood.

Kiubon

Some things you just can’t do

#357

4.1.23

10:52p

My host sister is throwing a party. I walked up to the front door, heard the music, laughter, talk about boys, you could hear lots of them. I didn’t dare go in.

There’s just some things you can’t do. You recognize you’re a scared little wuss, and say, “okay fear I’ll let you have this one.”

So you walk to the park and read on your phone for 45 minutes under the sprinkling rain and cold wind, only to walk right back up, hear them still partying, and walk back down.

But what if you recognized that fear anyways and opened the door? Waltzed right in, owned it, and said, “don’t let me stop the party. I’m just going to be in my room”, that wouldn’t be so hard, would it?

What if you rose to the occasion? Just like they do in the movies. Be brave anyways.

Wouldn’t you make yourself proud?

Kiubon

The best money you can spend

#356

My host dad’s flight to France got cancelled. He’s supposed to fly this weekend to visit his dad, The dad is probably not doing the best health wise.

There are lots of strikes in France, right now. Metros, planes, busses, trains, whatever. So they put him on the next flight.

It’ll be frustrating to navigate everything. But it”ll be the best money he spends.

My host dad lives in Hong Kong. That’s so far from France. What if his dad dies? It’ll be the best money he’s ever spent.

Kiubon

Grip

#355

3.27.23

3:05p

There’s a man gripping the overhead compartment on my flight. As if it’ll save him if the engine fails. His arm will ache soon, even though the flight is only an hour.

Sometimes in life we need to grip tightly. To feel in control. Other times in life we realize when we relax, the flight’s much smoother. What’s better when you grip tightly? What’s worse when you grip tightly?

Kiubon

Men in suits

#349

11:26a

1.27.23

There are men in suits walking around the mall I’m in. They work above in some office with a decent a view.

I wonder if they like their job. I wonder if they must work in finance for now, to set up the rest of their life.

Maybe I’m extrapolating because I’m unsure myself, for my own career in the creative field.

Am I willing to put 10 years in for a moment of glory everybody will forget about but me? So I’m forced to retell the same story with false embellishments so some people care? Not sure dude.

Kiubon

You actually suck at singing

#348

1.21.23

8:35p

You know when you sing along to the radio, you sound pretty dang good. Your voice perfectly matches to the artist’s. You’re grooving. Until you turn off the radio, and now it’s just you singing. You realize you actually sound bad.

That’s the same with everything you do. Or at the very least, a lot of what you do. Your golf swing is actually pretty cooked. If you examine your thoughts about your mother, they’re more deprecating than affirming. You probably found your hand in the cookie jar more than not.

If a camera crew followed literally everybody around, you’d realize everybody just sucks.

Then you realize nobody really cares… Yes everybody sucks. And it doesn’t really matter.

You actually suck at singing, but you’re going to sing anyways. You’re going to keep swinging. You’re going to try and love your mother better.

Anyways, there’s no point turning off the radio!

Kiubon

Doubting Doubts

#347

1.19.23

I’m really identifying with these two verses from this song:

I keep searching for the answers to my doubts
It’s like I’m caught between belief and wanting out
But there’s this promise that my soul just cannot shake
That I am loved despite the struggles of my faith

And now that my eyes are open
I can see that I am stronger broken
You’re the mystery that I put my hope in
The more I seek, the more I find

Socrates said, “I know that I know nothing.”
I’m finding comfort in not having it all figured out. Ask person at any age, we’re all just faking it.

We’re all walking around hoping something will fall from the sky to tell us if we’re doing it right or not.

Good thing we have Jesus! Who did come back from Heaven to tell us! Cheesy I know, but what else won’t fail me? What else will last forever? What else will love me back?
It for sure as hell won’t be the Oscar trophy I dream about that I will leave in my hotel room.

Kiubon

A Culture of Fear

#346

1.18.23

11:27a

A fear mindset is not healthy. You process everything in scarcity, worry, and unease.

If I skateboard down this street, everybody will look at me weird, and I fear the judgement of strangers.

If I text this person again, they might not reply because they’re busy, and I fear their rejection.

I must buy all these snacks because I fear they won’t need me there, so I’m making my contribution.

I must purge food from my body, because I fear people don’t like me, so I must be good looking for them.

I’m learning how to recognize the culture of fear that’s lived in my head for so long, and to say get out.

Kiubon