In Mrs. Carta’s second grace class, there was a girl named Chelsea Ho. She was the first Asian girl I had a crush on. In the following 16 years of my life, I didn’t even look at an Asian girl twice. So this was a big deal, at eight years old.
During recess one day, swinging on the swings, I had to tell my two best friends I had a crush on her.
“I have a crush on Chelsea Ho”, I told them.
“What do you like about her?”, my friend Noah asked. I said, “I like her personality more than what she looks like.” Noah laughed in my face, “What! Her personality? That means she’s ugly!”
But no she wasn’t. In my eight year old brain, she was very cute. But I was just so attracted to her personality. She was fun, down for adventure, smart, seemed sure of herself like she could conquer the world; she showed all of this, all within the walls of Mrs. Carta’s second grade class.
I felt a little put off by Noah laughing in my face. Every year after that I had crushes on girls that were just pretty. Looks first. Personality second. As I get older, I realize more and more how important personality is, yet everybody and their mom puts such an emphasis on looks. I just got done working out my vanity muscles at the gym so people would like me more. Im up 7lbs from my “ideal” weight, so I want to start skipping meals. I already do skip breakfast so skipping more would mean one meal a day. Bleh.
Anyways, as an eight year old innocent child, I really cared about personality. I operated on the fact that I liked Chelsea because of who she was. The way she looked was just a bonus! How can I get back to that place? There’s this other woman in my community who is fun, spunky, caring. But she’s not that cute. I find myself thinking, “well I can’t like her because she’s not that cute.” What kind of bogus lie is that?!
Anyways Chelsea Ho crossed my mind sometime in high school and I looked her up on instagram and found her. She seemed so different. I think she was going through an emo phase.
So Chelsea thank you for being my first Asian crush and reminding me what it’s like to listen to my heart and not what society wants. Now in Hong Kong, I’m attracted to Asian women again! That sounds childish to some people but the walls have finally crumbled after 16 years of blocking myself from liking Asian women. Hurray!